Introduction
I once had a professor who proudly proclaimed that his life was perfect, except for all the other people. This is a sentiment that is widely shared today. “If everyone else was just like me or if I were alone, everything would be perfect.” Is this the right approach to the question of other people for Christians? Why are other people so annoying and difficult to live with? And what’s to be done about it?
Together
“4 For just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, 5 so in Christ we, though many, form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. 6 We have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us. If your gift is prophesying, then prophesy in accordance with your faith; 7 if it is serving, then serve; if it is teaching, then teach; 8 if it is to encourage, then give encouragement; if it is giving, then give generously; if it is to lead, do it diligently; if it is to show mercy, do it cheerfully.”
– Romans 12: 4- 8 (NIV)
Dealing with other people is inevitable. We are social creatures. We were created to live and be in communion with others and with God. But more than that, our spiritual gifts and strengths can only be fulfilled in community. Just like one body is much more effective with many different members.
We usually know this intuitively because this is how our society is structured. The fact that you can focus more effectively on your own strengths, is precisely because others are already focusing on theirs. If it were not for sanitary workers, plumbers, doctors, farmers, teachers and grocery store workers, your focus would have to be diverted away from your strengths. And because you focus on your strengths, they can focus on theirs. The diversity and spiritual gifts of others, magnify your own.
Like a bundle of sticks is harder to break than a single stick, and a lone coal burns out faster than a fireplace full of coals. So too we are stronger together.
“As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.”
– Proverbs 27: 17 (NIV)
We are all human, and as such we all make mistakes. We are wrong just as often as we are right. But we are not all wrong in the same ways. We don’t all make the same mistakes. Submitting yourself to the body of Christ, allows them to correct your errors. And you, in turn, to correct theirs. We are smarter together. The chances that you are right and everyone else is wrong is highly unlikely. More likely, everyone is wrong most of the time, but not in the same ways. Lean on the collective wisdom of God’s people with humility. Allowing yourself to be corrected and sharpened.
This concept of strength from diversity is not given carte blanche however. In scripture it is always weighed against unity. Two oxen can pull a lot more weight than one, but only if they are heading in the same direction. Do not yoke yourself unevenly. 2 Corinthians 6: 14- 16 (NIV). A body is stronger when it has different members, but only as far as those members are unified. If the finger is clawing at the eyes and the feet heading in different directions, then the unity is broken. We were equally made for unity and diversity.
So, magnify your strengths. Work out your spiritual gifts in the body of Christ. Living with other people is not only unavoidable, but the only way you can reach your full calling and potential in God’s kingdom. Be sharpened by others.
“The muses will submit to no mere marriage of convenience.” CS Lewis. Analysing the beauty of a song, makes the beauty disappear. Entering into a marriage simply to reap the rewards of married life, would cause you not to receive them. For you have not truly entered into a marriage at all. So too, if you enter into community to gain favour and receive the benefits, you will find none. Because you have not truly entered into community.
If you submit your own desires. If you sacrifice for something bigger than yourself. If you lay your life down to God. Then you will find something a lot bigger and better than yourself.
Avoiding The Fight
In English we have the expression “much ado about nothing.” This means having an argument about something that does not matter. CS Lewis, in Mere Christianity, said if two philosophers are arguing about something, it’s only a matter of time before they start arguing about if the argument even matters.
There is something to be said about this approach. We call it Theological triage in the Church. Is a point of contention important enough to affect our unity? Sometimes the answer is yes, and sometimes no. In today’s arguments and theological debates however, the answer always seems to be no.
This is not only true of the church but in all our personal lives. We don’t want to provoke fights. We don’t want to be in uncomfortable situations. Better to ignore conflicts and isolate ourselves.
“As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.”
– Proverbs 27: 17 (NIV)
Unfortunately, this does not work. If you ignore a fight, you only push it further into the future. Where it would have grown bigger than it was. We treat conflict like it is always a bad thing. But who said sharpening each other was going to be comfortable? If iron is supposed to sharpen iron, what makes you think that sparks aren’t supposed to fly? Maybe we are supposed to contend with each other in love. That means there is something worth fighting for.
This is the great danger of avoiding the fight. Soon it will lead to avoiding any uncomfortable situation. Soon you will not want to let your diverse view on anything be heard. You will allow your dull blade to be batted away, instead of allowing it to rub up uncomfortably against others. You will grow to resent others. You will refuse to be vulnerable. And after that, you will isolate yourself from other people.
The hermit that struggles with anger, removes himself from the situations and isolates himself from the people that make him angry. Then he deludes himself into thinking that he has mastered anger.
“28 Then the man said, “Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel, because you have struggled with God and with humans and have overcome.”
29 Jacob said, “Please tell me your name.”
But he replied, “Why do you ask my name?” Then he blessed him there.
30 So Jacob called the place Peniel, saying, “It is because I saw God face to face, and yet my life was spared.”
– Genesis 32: 28- 30 (NIV)
People often say in a divorce, that the other person has changed too much, thus causing unhappiness. This is not at all my experience with people. Usually, people don’t go their separate ways because they’ve changed, but rather because they refuse to. If you stop sacrificing yourself to others, you stop baring yourself to be sharpened. If you stop rubbing up against other people, everyone is worse off. Have the fight. There is something worth fighting for.
Don’t always avoid the fight. Don’t avoid uncomfortable situations. Don’t avoid other people. We were made to live in communion. Supporting each other. Compensating for our shortcomings with our collective strengths. And sharpening each other.
The Problem With Other People
Jean-Paul Sartre, the French philosopher wrote: “hell is other people.” Why does the focus always circle back to other people?
In high school I was never satisfied with my own grades as soon as I got them. I would wait to see what my friend’s got. Then I would react appropriately. Usually, my grades would be better than theirs and I would celebrate my success.
Isn’t that exactly how we act towards one another? I may be bad, but at least I’m better than the other people. I may be flawed, but not as flawed as Stacy. I’m not as fat as Kevin. At least my relationship is better than Mary’s.
The truth of the matter is that we are all unfathomably flawed. CS Lewis wrote in his article The problem with “x.” You are just as unjustified, unkempt, and difficult to live with. You also have a fatal character flaw, evident to everyone except you. Like walking around with bad breath, obvious to everyone else.
“3 “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? 4 How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? 5 You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”
– Matthew 7: 3- 5 (NIV)
Then you will see clearly. That is exactly what I did with my high school grades and what we all do when we focus on other people’s faults. We use other people’s faults to cloud our vision, so that our own faults become less obvious. But because we only cloud our own vision, it only becomes obscured for us.
We hide behind other people so that we can’t see the mirror. This is a problem because it completely prevents progress. If you are headed to a destination but you don’t know where you are starting from, you will never reach it. So too, if you want to grow closer to God, you need to know where you are starting. Don’t let the enemy plant seeds of distraction in your mind. Keep your eyes on God.
So, what if the situation becomes unbearable? What if they are completely unrepentant and fixed in their ways? Can we change other people? No. We don’t have the power to change other people. But we have the power to change ourselves. When we become better, when we walk more closely with God. Then all our circumstances become better. Our life becomes infused with heaven. And then we have more to offer when others want to sharpen themselves against us. If you become better, others will too.
If you want a more loving husband or wife, become someone worth loving. If you want a better leader, become someone worth leading. If you want a better community, become someone who can affect the community. Focus on yourself, and you will have more to offer to sharpen others.
If they are slow to change. Slow to accept you. Slow to forgive. Think of the one who sacrificed everything for you, even though you rejected him. The one who always welcomes you and forgives you, when you are slow to act and grow. The one who bears the scars of your sin. Jesus. We can forgive much because we are forgiven of much. We can love much, because of how much we are loved.
If someone is working against you and the kingdom of God, don’t yoke yourself to them. But be quick to forgive your brothers and sisters in Christ. Don’t let your focus drift to other people. Keep your focus of God.
“So watch yourselves. “If your brother or sister sins against you, rebuke them; and if they repent, forgive them.”
– Luke 17: 3 (NIV)
Conclusion
Lay your life down to God. Sacrifice for the body of God. Don’t avoid people and opportunities for you to grow. Keep your focus on God. Don’t let your own intentions and hurts, colour your opinion of others. Then you will find the purpose to which you were called. Then you will truly be in communion with God and with others. Don’t become like Samuel Johnson described:
“They are an honest people; they never speak well of one another.”
John
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Thank you for reminding us that we are not able to change people but to plant a seed and God will work in their hearts. If we keep the anger to ourselves in an argument then later you can create a big sin when you cant hold that anger anymore. Better to talk to that person and let it go.
A very insightful message. If we use the time spent to try and change the people around us to focus on our relationship with God, we will grow and find our own purpose.
Focus on yourself, and you will have more to offer to sharpen others. This message means a lot to me! Never thought about it in this way. Will definitely be using this insite in my life!
Very true words, we can really change our lives around this! This message means s lot to me